Circa 1am these bitches are on the dance floor, joyfully proclaiming Kylie is god, BUT … this tale actually begins nine hours earlier, in the expert hands of lovely Alessandro, as he presents DINE’s fabulous MARTINI EXPERIENCE.

We’re here with the unstoppable Kerry Teakle and another of our favourite humans, the gorgeous Nicola Cairns – creator of much of the delicious artwork in our oft-admired Georgian drawing room. But we digress …

This fun-foursome is savouring mood lighting, chesterfield furniture, and a handsome mixologist – hey again Alessandro – who’s kicking off our saucy masterclass [ packed full of martinis, history + how to ] with a MARTINEZ.

Widely regarded as the precursor to the martini, this mix of gin, vermouth, maraschino liqueur & angostura bitters is an absolute delight. Like Christmas in a conical glass, suddenly our thirst for knowledge NEVER seemed so great.

It’s soon followed by a wonderful GIN MARTINI – a nuanced mix of London dry, vermouth and just a splash of orange bitters, which these bitches feel deserves a generous and immediate encore.

Then on we happily move to a BOND MARTINI which, just as legend dictates, really is shaken NOT stirred. For this aerates the vodka, making it cloudy in appearance, smoother in taste, and oh-so wonderfully lethal. SCHWINNNGG!

But the mix that really blows our minds is the magnificent DUKE’S MARTINI – requiring both the vodka, and the martini glass to be frozen, the smallest hint of vermouth, and the zest of an organic Amalfi lemon.

These few and simple ingredients make a cocktail SO much greater than the sum of its parts, it’s almost incomprehensible. Naturally we opt for a spontaneous round of applause, and of course another round of drinks.

Though it’s with heartbreak we say: the playful, and expertly mixed, ESPRESSO MARTINI currently headed our way is the finale to what’s been a truly inspired experience. Our host’s knowledge, flair, and aforementioned good looks are the perfect way to start an unforgettable night.

One that goes on to feature a shedload of food, fizz and of course … cue music bitches 🎶 I’m spinning around, move out of my way, I know you’re feeling me ‘cause you like it like this …