Unable to resist an invitation that reads: “HEY BITCHES, ALL YOU CAN EAT!” these fatty-booms are at the fabulous Pizza Geeks for Kyber Monday [ £15pp ] where one has 90 mins to eat as many of the gorgeous crusts as humanly possible.

So … after a pleasing “sip” of Teroldego Rotaliano it’s ding ding round one, and an excited YEAH BABY to The Chorizard: a sumptuous mix of tomato base, mozzarella, chorizo, black pudding, fresh chillies & the genius addition of hot honey.

Naturally, it’s gone in mere seconds, but the memory of its bold flavours, perfect crust, and the elation of warmed honey will live on. Though with our gluttonous reputation on the line, we’re now firmly focused on round two.

Going for what can be a controversial choice in the pizza community, we’re jumping aboard The Pineapple Express, which joyfully combines mozzarella, ham hock, pineapple and Sriracha hot chili sauce. Ooosh!

But mopping our heated brows, and contemplating a second bottle, we have a long way to go before breaking the Kyber Monday record – which belongs to an extremely thin man from Leith who single-handedly devoured FIVE pizzas.

Inspired by his commitment and enviable metabolism, we loudly proclaim: ding dong round three, as we dive into The Wilding – which, on a base of rosemary garlic oil, layers spinach, goat’s cheese, butternut squash & sweet chili jam.

UTTERLY delicious, but … upon stuffing a final piece of butternut into one’s chubby cheeks, we’re starting to feel … well … quelle horreur … FULL!

Bravely we stagger into round four with a combo of potato, mushroom, black olives & blue cheese known as The Shire. Though now, with tomato sauce dribbling – somewhat pathetically – down our chins, we may have to concede defeat.

Sam, our host, kindly suggests there’s still ten minutes on the clock, and that The Blanka [ ham hock, blue cheese & sriracha sauce ] is a personal fave.

But it’s no good … another bottle of wine, perhaps; the tiramisu MOST DEFINITELY; but a fifth pizza? It’s just not possible. So, to the thin man of Leith, we say: WHAT THE F**K DUDE?!!? And to everyone else: Kyber Monday @ Pizza Geeks is a must!