Despite being the most phenomenal hosts, with impeccable style, sparkling repartee and fabulous Georgian decor, sadly: the only thing these Bitches can make for dinner is reservations. So, to throw an unforgettable dinner party, we always turn to the delicious Kerry Teakle for assistance
With a shared love of absolute excess and day drinking, Teakle’s the perfect collaborator. Together, we have every nuance of great hosting covered: from culinary excellence to the setting of a #exceptional_table.
So much so, we’ve affectionately referred, about the New Town, as THE ODD THRUPLE. That’s NON-SEXUAL, we hasten to add, though Teakle does get a bit handsy after sixteen glasses of chardonnay.
Anyhoo … with that in mind, we proudly present our TOP TEN insightful but utterly amusing tips for throwing the most fabulous dinner party EVER
1. Begin drinking LONG before your guests arrive.
Whether you’re arranging freshly cut flowers or polishing your knick-knacks, these mundane, yet thoroughly important tasks are SO much more enjoyable if one is ever so slightly off one’s tits.
2. Now THIS is crucial: Get Teakle to do ALL of the cooking.
Whether it’s Pork en Croute or her saucy Piedmont Peppers, Kerry really knows how to dazzle. All she requires: just one designer kitchen – TICK ✅ – and at least two bottles of Viognier.
3. Dress your Georgian dining room with DRAMA.
Candles, colour, chippendale furniture, and as much bling as you can muster. But remember: If your napkins AREN’T linen [ perhaps in a Lotus Fold ] all you’re really saying is: Hello everyone, I’m from the gutter.
4. Out-couture your guests.
After all, what could be more reassuring than a truly fashionable host – perhaps wearing a velvet smoking jacket & all-important bow tie – saying: Welcome bitches, to my unbelievably fabulous life, won’t you come in?
5. Then, preferably within the next three seconds, thrust a cocktail into their hands.
Our favourite is a rather lush Basil, Cucumber & Lime Gimlet. After a few of these babies your guests will be as joyful [ ie shit-faced ] as their amazing hosts.
NOW we’re ready to get this dinner party started bitches!!
6. No matter what, laugh in the face of adversity.
A smashed glass? An entire course dropped on the parquet flooring? Derek’s finger slashed with a carving knife [ #true_story ] ? We say: F**K IT, enjoy the comedy!
At a recent soirée, somewhere between the sumptuous Marbella Chicken & indulgent Basque Cheesecake, we noticed our neighbours in the Georgian apartment across the way: sans clothing and visibly aroused.
With no curtains, & NO INHIBITIONS, they then engaged in a rather enthusiastic act of cunnilingus. Ever the trooper, Kerry simply encouraged our guests to enjoy the view, paired with her legendary cheesy biscuits.
7. NEVER tolerate an empty-glass.
Even if a guest insists their friends at AA advised against this very scenario, simply say: Well, how about a cheeky vinho verde, it’s only nine percent??
8. NEVER allow guests to help.
They’ll offer, naturally. Some will even mean it. But it’s best they NOT see the chaos behind the scenes: such as the mess Teakle’s made of one’s designer kitchen, or just how much the Social Bitches are REALLY drinking
9. Another must is ALWAYS OVER-CATER.
This is especially good advice when you have Isaac on plating duties. At our latest bash, this man of ambitious appetite divided the entire ten portions of glazed carrots across just FOUR PLATES!! [ #carrot_gate ]
With people already eating, he casually mentioned the issue. Spitting out an unbelievably large mouthful of chardonnay, Kerry exploded.
Sounding more like a potty-mouth sailor than her usual self, she bellowed: Microwave a f**king tin of sweetcorn you stupid bitches!!!
10. But above all else: give your guests an unforgettable night.
One that’s absolutely FULL of laughter, wine & generosity. In other words, be a true Social Bitch, and embrace your inner ATTENTION GRABBING WHORE!
Follow our advice, get yourself a Teakle, and you cannot possibly go wrong.
Bon appetite bitches!