CHAPTER ONE: Costa Del Bitches

Embracing the joys of digital nomadism, and soon to be joined by many a fabulous friend, these bitches have packed their matching bags, and are spending much of January in the gorgeous, utterly delicious, and surprisingly sunny city of MALAGA.

  

Which means swapping grey skies, blistering cold, and an intermittent urge to self-harm for: a shedload of wine, absolute mountain of tapas, and twenty mother-f**king degrees. So, can we just say: SCHWINNGG!! 

We also get more than two hours of additional daylight, in a destination that boasts a staggering 300+ days of sunshine a year, as well as sixteen beaches! Even better, our saucy uber driver could very easily be a super model. So again: SCHWINNGG!!

   

Anyhoo … Moments after arriving at our glamorous apartment – with two sun-soaked terraces, sensational views, and sexy spa pool – we find ourselves at the rather lovely El Gastronauta for – surprise!! – a boozy lunch. DING DONG!

Not only does the owner recall us from our visit two years ago – greeting one with a warm hug – the food’s even more magnificent than we remembered: Lush croquetas, tostanauta with pate, manchego & anchovies, and a life-affirming paella with chicken, not to mention two joyful bottles of Albariño. 

  

Then it’s a drunken spin of the Old Town, which includes a Castle, Roman Theatre, and many an orange tree [ said to symbolise the wealth & prosperity of the gentry ] before heading to Mercado Centro De Atarazanas for provisions.

Soon, we’re laden with Gordal olives, cheeses, Spanish omelette, the most amazing duck pate EVER, and our newest addiction: Zurrapa – loin of Iberico, seasoned with herbs & spices, then slow-cooked in pork fat. OMG so rich, so fatty-boom, we absolutely adore it. Meanwhile the man selling this delicacy, also rather delicious.

   

Without delay, the SOCIAL BITCHES MALAGA must now visit every fun-loving, breath-taking rooftop bar in this town. A journey which begins at the delightful Lola at the Only You Hotel where the views are lush, and so are us patrons.

After perusing the wine menu for half a second, only Veuve Clicquot will do, a honey-crisp tipple that perfectly pairs with our first sunset over this beautiful city.

And while there is SO much more to see, for now … it’s at least another bottle of fizz for us, and to you … a slightly slurred BUENAS NOCHES BITCHES.

 

CHAPTER TWO: Bitches Who Brunch ☕️

While drinking to excess remains our focus, a typical Malaga morning means intense sunshine, coffee on drip-feed, and chocolate for breakfast, via pastry, churros or custard french toast – OOOSH – encouraging cries of: HOLA, FAT BASTARDOS!!

   

Though on the plus-side, it gives us SO much to recommend. For In this town, brunch never has to end: irresistible bakeries, an entire shop dedicated to baked cheesecake – La Tarta de la Madre de Cris – and scores of epic cafes.

For a start, Next Level Speciality Coffee more than lives up to its name, boasting heavenly coffee, freshly squeezed orange juice, and Bacon Benedict with inch-thick brioche these fatty-booms positively inhale. 

   

We’re also BIG fans [ literally ] of Santa Coffee, where Smoked Salmon with avocado cream, fried egg & black sesame, followed by a shedload of cake is a must.

Or how about Dulces Dreams [ also a boutique hostel ] for wonderful coffee, lashings of delicious cakes, and perhaps a jumbo baguette which can be joyfully devoured on the cafe’s sunny rooftop terrace. 

Then there’s our daily, slight obsessive visits to La Canastra – thanks to casual slacks with an elasticised waist – for an incredible, quite frankly five-star, pain au chocolat fresh from the oven. WOOF!

   

And we absolutely adore El Ultimo Mono Juice & Coffee which is hidden in its own secret lane, with the comfiest of armchairs, and a top-notch range of focaccia sandwiches, muffins of white & dark chocolate, and seriously good coffee.

What’s more, the super-friendly hosts welcome smooth-talking digital nomads who do little in the way of actual work, but can easily manage 5,000 calories an hour. 

   

Though for caffeine on the run, our fave is Bolo, whose gorgeous owners say they’re not so much a business, but a public service, bringing superior coffee to Malaga.

We tots agree! Their Brazilian beans are fantástico. Then there’s the freshly baked bread, with their own garlic butter, and the promise of a good filling [ wink, wink ] attesting their saucy mantra: Sexy Bread, Sexy Life. 

But what’s really caught our attention is the name “bolo” – meaning various things around the globe, in Samoan it translates to “ball-bags.” Having shared this with our new friends, they now delight in shouting “hey ball-bags” EVERY time we pass.

 

CHAPTER THREE: Bitches á la Carte

In amongst visits to the Picasso Museum, the stunning Malaga Cathedral [ a MUST, even for the depraved ] and Alcazaba [ a ye olde fort with amazing views & hot gardeners ] it’s clear these bitches have DEEPLY misunderstood the Mediterranean Diet … BUT we can now recommend Malaga’s best wining & dining.

 

Our first stop: Tapeo de Cervantes which has a superb buzz, super flirty waiters, and a truly magnificent menu. But rather than order a la carté, we’re asked to take a seat and trust the judgement of our amorous waiters. Well, go on then … 

Soon we’re oohing and ahhhing not just at their good looks, but wonderful dishes of Grilled Red Tuna with cauliflower puree, Iberian Pork with pumpkin & pineapple relish, and Duck breast with caramelised apple to name but a fab-u-lous few.

We also love Picasso’s Tapas, where alfresco dining, and a never-ending order of Spanish Omelette, Meatballs, Fried Chorizo in wine, Mini-Paealla, SEVEN kinds of croqueta – all gorgeous – and the most sensational beef stew really can make ALL of one’s fatty-boom dreams come true. 

Then there’s Cortijo de Pepe, offering dazzling tapas and massive sirloin steaks, as well as our fave cheesecake – SO FAR – and Malaga’s sassiest waitress: with recommendations and comedic timing wonderfully on point.

Hey Christina, love you GIRRRL!

 

Meanwhile Batik boasts rooftop dining and a masterclass in fusion, reinventing Spain’s most loved dishes: Monkfish & Leek Croquettes with chili sauce, Tamarind Honey Duck with coconut rice & toasted peanuts, and stunning Iberian Pork stuffed with caramelised onion & surrounded by cheese parmentier. WOWSERS!

   

Or there’s La Dervia with its urbane vibe, lush menu, seductive wines, and ambient lighting SO flattering to us older ladies. Soon we’re on our third bottle, devouring the most sumptuous beef cheeks EVER, and telling our handsome waiter: you know what, you could just drown in those eyes.

And finally … the stunning Pampa Grill where yet another handsome waiter pours albariño, and expertly guides us through a feast of Beef Empanadas, Grilled Veal Sweetbread that’s out of this world, and then … well … another bottle of albariño.

Though of course the true joy of this impressive meal is launching into the most incredible, rather sizeable, OH-SO-tender Argentinian steak.

   

With blood dribbling down the chin, these carniverous bitches couldn’t be happier, but there’s one more climax to come: our BRAND NEW fave baked cheesecake, combined with Dulce de leche. OH-MY-F**KING-GOD, it’s delicious.

 

CHAPTER FOUR: And then … there was Teakle!

With this epic tale of Costa Del Bitches coming to a close, the irrepressible Kerry Teakle has arrived for our drunken finale. So, luggage dumped in a heap, lippie reapplied, she’s now insisting she will just DIE if her immediate future doesn’t involve a shedload of tapas and at least three cases of albariño.

So … shoulders back, tits out, we’re en route to Bar Malaga – a venue with serious atmos [ going strong since 1840 we hear ] where we’re soon happily toasting our absence from Britain, as we scoff endless croquetas, anchovies, grilled artichoke, and gorgeous Iberico ham sliced freshly from the bone

Of course when it comes to bars, especially rooftop, a bitch is absolutely spoiled for choice in Malaga. So far [ being conscientious digital nomads and all ] we’ve only managed to visit EIGHT but the good news is … they’re ALL sublime.

   

For a start there’s Lola, where we’re already regulars – thanks to those gorgeous views, frisky waiters and rather nicely priced Veuve Clicquot. Meanwhile above, is Lolita – the actual rooftop – where one can enjoy one’s cheeky cocktails poolside.

Breathtaking views, and waiters just as beautiful are also on offer at La Terrazzo de Valeria and the super chic H10 CROMA. Though spoiler alert: even with a speedo about your person, apparently the plunge pool is for guests ONLY … Awkwarrdd.

    

We also highly recommend Hotel Alcazaba for its cheeky cocktails, La Terrazzo de San Telmo for a chilled vibe, live music, and La Terraza de Larios for people watching plus day drinking without judgment.

But forced to choose just one [ a ludicrous scenario, we grant you ] then it MUST be Atico Bar at the AC Hotel. Perched on the fifteenth floor, with swimming pool, a DJ schooled in Cafe Del Mar, and the best views, it’s a perfect spot to enjoy the sunset, and of course a ridiculous amount of fizz.

   

Though having spent SO much time admiring Malaga’s stunning coastline, FINALLY we’re here in person – at the divine El Balneario: an alfresco restaurant of sumptuous seafood and live music, surrounded by the Alboran Sea.

Joined by Teakle & Evie [ her gorgeous BFF ] this is SIX glorious hours of sunshine, gluttony, and the joyful free-pouring of gin. Not to mention, live music along the lines of Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett tunes sung in Spanish. Just fabulous.

So long story short bitches, we may NEVER go home!