Granted, it’s rare for these bitches to depart EH1 [ unless jetting off to warmer, rather wine-soaked climes ] BUT today, shock-horror, we’re headed to Glasgow – NO, SERIOUSLY!! – for lunch at an absolute fave, the magnificent Spanish Butcher.

   

For those who haven’t had the pleasure, this gorgeous eatery boasts the finest cuts of Galician beef and lamb imaginable, along with Iberian jamon, fresh seafood, and a dazzling wine collection we tots intend on depleting. 

Even more seductive, its moody decor with hints of New York loft and stunning ambient lighting. Which means one can look beautiful [ despite a crippling hangover  ] and STILL have the illumination required to read a menu.

   

Our only quibble … the train journey … Forty-seven dreary minutes spent dangerously close to sober [ #SCOTFAIL ] Worse still, first class travel’s really NOT what it was. Not so much as a shortbread f**king biscuit, what a liberty!

But exciting news … THE SPANISH BUTCHER EDINBURGH opens this spring in North Castle Street. HUZZAH!

In the meantime … our jaunt west is already worth the effort, thanks to the joyous discovery of Sparkling Albariño. This cheeky tipple simply dazzles, and, being half the price of fizz, even Martin Lewis would say: why not drink TWICE as much bitches.

   

Our second bottle already en route, there’s just enough time to flirt with our handsome waiter – also Spanish – and get terribly excited over just how much pleasure sucking on a Gordal olive can bring, before diving into our fabulous appetisers.

A mountain of Lush Jamon Croqueta  – OOOSH – and Seared King Scallops , which – thanks to the inspired additions of confit tomato, mojo verde, crisped onion, and wonderful samphire – are some of the best we’ve EVER devoured.

   

A temporary switch to an exceedingly cheeky tempranillo, and we’re now being wowed by a sumptuous Roast Rump of lamb with aubergine puree, asparagus, saffron potato fondant, and piquillo peppers.

Add to the mix a HIGHLY addictive Manchego mac n cheese with puffed paprika plus pork skin, and it’s five stars all the way baby!

As for the climax to this orgy of wine & food, we’re thinking Churros, Burnt Basque Cheesecake, a shedload of Pedro Ximenez, and … well … alright, maybe just one last bottle of Sparkling Albariño. Then again, maybe we should just stay for dinner.