Just a hop, skip and rather merry jump from Edinburgh Castle, we’re toasting a beautiful reinvention of the SCOTCH WHISKY EXPERIENCE. Following a total redesign, and spend of three million quid [ ka-ching, ka-ching ] this award-winning attraction is now looking even more fabulous than ever.

Joined by the inexhaustible Kerry Teakle, we’re already “several” whiskies in, and embarking upon our third bottle of fizz, as our gorgeous hosts announce: Ding-dong bitches, time to take the tour … 

Fully immersive, but tots-accessible, and with a splash of humour, this is the story of Scottish whisky – everything from its much-debated origins to maturation – which ultimately ends with a tasting in the sumptuous vault room.

En route we’re discovering not only the HOW, WHY & WHEN of Scotland’s favourite tipple, there’s even a rumour it was perhaps christian missionary monks who first introduced the water of life to our shores.

Though much more importantly, we’re also being steered towards a life-changing decision: which flavour profile suits a bitch best?? 

It’s a moment of intense reflection that’s suddenly, and dramatically, interrupted as a champagne glass smashes on the floor. All heads turn to us … Oops.

Turns out the pensive, though mostly excited shifting of a buttock is to blame. Still, it feels appropriately climatic, and our guide – lovely Lachlan – soon arranges for a glorious dram of whisky to take its place. 

Deciding to live a little dangerously, we’ve gone for Ardbeg Wee Beastie, with its peaty notes VERY much to the fore, as well as hints of chocolate, caramel, black pepper and barbecue. WOOF!

Equally as dazzling are our surrounds, for the vault room – where we finally get to taste – is also home to a stunning and beautifully backlit collection of 3,400 vintage bottles of whisky, inspiring one to drink yet further, thank you very much.

Fortunately, our tour is being followed by a sexy party, where Scottish themed canapés are being paired with a cheeky selection of whiskies: Dalmore, Glengoyne and Macallen to name but a sublime few 

So … to our generous hosts at SCOTCH WHISKY EXPERIENCE – which also boasts a wonderful bar, restaurant, and very well-stocked shop just so you know – our sincere and now incredibly lubricated thanks.